


The Fourth Wall: Redux

by kooili



Series: Meta [2]
Category: Holby City
Genre: Crack, F/F, Meta, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 15:16:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14499822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kooili/pseuds/kooili
Summary: Bernie receives an unexpected package in the mail. Follow up to The Fourth Wall.





	The Fourth Wall: Redux

**Author's Note:**

> Again, the tropes discussed herein are well loved and appreciated. Gentle fun, done out of love.

“This came for you.” Serena said as she entered the living room. Bernie looked up from her iPad and reached out for the package, her arm tensing to hold her hand up at the weight as soon as it was in her grasp.

Serena gave her a curious look. “What is it?”

Bernie shrugged before turning the heavily padded envelope over to examine it in greater detail. 

“Cup of tea?” Serena suggested as her wife continued her perusal. 

Bernie answered with a vague nod, her expression growing increasingly befuddled as the front and back of the packet failed to yield any clues to its content. 

Serena threw her an indulgent smile before heading towards the kitchen. They had fresh scones to go with the tea, courtesy of Jason’s recent baking hobby. He had delivered them earlier with the clotted cream, their favourite strawberry jam and the usual reminder that it was jam first then cream. The kettle clicked off just she finished preparing the scones and it was a matter of minutes before Serena had a tray laden as she headed back into the living room.

Bernie had torn the envelope open in her absence and was now flipping intently through a thick ring-bound folder.

“What’s that?” Serena asked, setting the tray down on the coffee table. 

The sound of Serena’s voice made her stop, closing the folder she before she attempted  to hurriedly stuff it back into the packaging it arrived in. The corners stuck and she finally gave up after a few attempts.

“It’s...here,” Bernie sighed in resignation, handing over the hefty document. “See for yourself.”

Serena sank down into the sofa and gave Bernie a wary look. It wasn’t often that she would give in so easily without denials and protestations. She almost dreaded to think what her wife had done this time. She settled into her seat and was about to lean down to push her shoes off her feet when Bernie reached out and stopped her. 

“You might want to read the second page before you do that.”

There was definitely something strange going on. She glanced at the cover of the folder. It looked ordinary; a thick glossy cardboard with the title printed in bold type right down the centre.

“W.O.L.F: A Code of Conduct (v 1.0)”

“What on earth is W.O.L.F?” Serena gave her wife a confused look.

A flush rose up Bernie’s neck, settling on her cheeks. “Just look at the page, Serena.”

It was a work of two seconds and Serena was soon staring at the page in question. “Section 1.2 :Clothing and accessories- The ‘Do’s and ‘Don’t’s” she read the title out loud before glancing down a list of bullet points. She eventually found what she was meant to be looking for. 

“Shoes should be removed by the toe-ing off method when possible. (Refer to Fig. 1.5).” Serena scrutinised the series of diagrams for a long moment before replicating the action shown with the toe of her left foot, using it to push the heel of her her shoe off the other foot. The other shoe followed suit in a similar fashion.  

“Now, darling, do you want to explain to me what this is all about?” Her tone was sweet but Bernie knew from experience that she had no choice but to come clean. 

“It’s a manual for how we are expected to behave. From a writer’s perspective.”

“Writer?” Serena furrowed her brows, increasingly confused. It took the look of abject despair, now evident Bernie’s face, for the pieces to finally click into place. “You don’t mean  _ that  _ lot…”

Bernie nodded in dismay. “Yes, and there are guidelines for everything. How to talk, walk, what to wear.”

Serena snorted. “I’m pretty sure I know how to walk without needing to be taught.”

“Ah, but you don’t just walk. You need to pad.” 

“What?” Serena responsed in surprise. 

Bernie sighed as she elaborated. “You know, don’t just walk; pad across the room.”

“What, you mean like a cat? Or a dog?” Serena asked incredulously. 

“Something like that.”

Serena shook her head in disbelief as she flicked through the folder, stopping at a random page. Her eyes scanned the sheet. “Look at this. Approved methods for speaking to each other - groan, moan, sigh, husk, gasp… what’s wrong with plain old  _ say _ ?” 

“You have to admit moaning can be fun,” Bernie ventured. 

The corners of Serena’s eyes crinkled in a knowing smile. “It can be. In the bedroom, perhaps, but I don’t see why I would moan in ecstasy just because,” she checked the example given, “you happened to touch my hand.” 

“I have a very good touch, as you well know.” Bernie smirked. 

“Yes, darling you do. But my clothes don’t spontaneously fall off just because you look in my direction.” 

Bernie smiled and waggled her eyebrows. “I’ll need to try harder, I guess.” 

She swerved just in time to avoid Serena’s elbow. “And oh, speaking of clothing, did you see what was on the list of garments and accessories?” She reached for folder when Serena shook her head. A quick flip of the pages later and they were back onto Section 1.2. 

Serena looked at where Bernie’s finger was pointing. 

“I don’t understand this part about my pendant.”

Bernie sighed. “You know how you’re always touching it when you fret?” She lifted a hand to her own neck and made a fiddling motion at a non-existent pendant. Serena reacted by mirroring her gesture out of sheer reflex. “Yes.” Bernie nodded. “That.”

“Yes, I know I do that on occasion but how is that worrying the pendant? What on earth does it have to worry about? Brexit?!”

They both broke into laughter simultaneously at Serena’s joke. 

The folder fell off her lap and lay open face-down in the floor. Bernie bent over to pick it up and found had opened to a section labelled ‘NSFW’.  

“Any idea what this means?” she asked her wife who shrugged and shook her head. 

“Let’s take a look.”

They scooted closer together and laid the folder open across their laps. Serena’s eyes widened increasingly with each line of text she read. A quick look at Bernie confirmed that she was having the same reaction.

“This is…” Bernie finally muttered, a little flushed. 

Serena cleared her throat and tilted her head in agreement. “Seems they’ve thought of everything, haven’t they?”

Bernie’s eyes stayed plastered on the folder as she turned the page over. “Apparently so. It is certainly an extensive list. Verbs  _ and  _ adjectives. Very comprehensive.” 

Serena was well distracted at this point and her eyes had raced ahead of Bernie’s. She stopped short as one particular exemplar caught her attention. “I’m supposed to put my fingers into your what?!” she stuttered, the final word sticking in her throat.

“We’ve done this all before, you know.” Bernie gave her an indulgent smile. Serena replied with a withering look and focused on the page once again. Their eyes tracked downwards simultaneously before Serena paused again, an incredulous tone colouring her voice. “I’m not even sure what this means in context.” She pointed at a particular word in bold, signifying that it was not only recommended but compulsory. “Ministrate. That sounds like something a vicar would do and as much as I adore every inch of your gorgeous being, I’m not preaching a sermon down under.”

They stared at each other for a beat, Serena almost daring Bernie to keep a straight face and Bernie giving in eventually and collapsing in a series of honking laughs. The sound was infectious and Serena was quickly caught up in the hilarity and they were soon collapsed against each other, clutching aching sides.

“You still haven’t explained where this has come from.” Serena wiped the final tears of laughter out of the corner of the eyes.

Bernie’s face, flushed with mirth, reddened a shade deeper. “I might have joined the site to give the writers a few tips.”

Serena arched an eyebrow. “I see.”

“It was all constructive. I just thought it might be helpful for them to know what’s realistic. You know, for when they’re writing about us.”

Serena gave her a withering look. “Realistic. You do understand, love of my life, that the whole point of the genre is to be…” She wracked her brain for a suitable word, “OTT. Or  _ extra, _ as the kids call it these days.”

“Possibly not the smartest plan,” Bernie finally mumbled. “Still don’t know how they figured out it was me. I know how to keep it undercover. Army training, remember?”

“Oh?” Serena picked up her phone and found the website within two clicks. “What’s your username?”

“Why?” Bernie asked, warily. Serena ignored her question as her fingers began tapping rapidly on the keyboard. It didn’t take long before she found what she was looking for. She stared at the screen for a moment before breaking into laughter yet again. 

“You really thought this would be anonymous? @majorberenicegriseldawolferamc. Really?”

Bernie opened her mouth to protest but realised that Serena was right. She should have gone for something more obscure. That didn’t mean she was going to let Serena win.

“What would you have gone for instead, Campbell?”

“I wouldn’t have in the first place” Serena reminded her, a twinkle in her eyes. “But if I were to, it’d be something less obvious. Like @shirazlover.”

Bernie scoffed. “Hardly incognito,” she grumbled. “Given you consume the entire output of several Australian valleys over the course of some of these stories.”

Before Serena could open her mouth to continue the argument, Bernie snatched the folder up and snapped it closed. “I don’t think we need all this advice, do we?” she asked. “Particularly not in the NSFW section.”

Serena’s face softened. “Well, I haven’t had any complaints so far.”

Bernie smiled as she stood up and held out her hand for Serena to take. “Come on,” she said. “I’ve got some ideas that the Women Of Lesbian Fanfiction handbook hasn’t heard of yet…”

“So  _ that’s  _ what it stands for!” Serena laughed. She grabbed Bernie’s hand and allowed her to pull her to her feet. The folder was left behind as they hurried, giggling, to the bedroom.

“Oh, Ms Wolfe…” Serena husked breathily, about half an hour later. “I had no idea you were so good with your hands…”

Bernie raised her head. “Come on darling,” she said. “You’ve just plagiarised about twenty different fics…”


End file.
